[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

There are several natural phenomena which I shall have to have explained to me before I can keep on going as a resident member ofthe human race. One is the metamorphosis which hats and suits undergo exactly one week after their purchase, whereby they are changed from smart, intensely becoming articles of apparel into something children use when they want to "dress up like daddy.

There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.

All laughter is a muscular rigidity spasmodically relieved by involuntary twitching.

Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.