A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn’t make any sense if quoted as it stands. The average man ought to be allowed a quotation of no less than three sentences, one to make his statement and two to explain what he meant. Ralph Waldo Emerson was about the only one who could stand having his utterances broken up into sentence quotations, and every once in a while even he doesn’t sound so sensible in short snatches.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

Charlemagne either died or was born or did something with the Holy Roman Empire in 800.

Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

The art of cursing people seems to have lost its tang since the old days when a good malediction took four deep breaths to deliverand sent the outfielders scurrying toward the fence to field.