If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.

One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

When we think back to our forefathers, with their sedentary lives of forest-chopping, railroad-building, fortune-founding, their fox-hunting and Indian taming, their prancing about in the mazurka and the polka, with their coattails flying and their bustles bouncing, to say nothing of their all-day sessions with the port and straight bourbon,... we must realize that we are a nation, not of neurasthenics, but of sissies and slow-motion sports.

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.

The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.