Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

The discovery of phobias by psychiatrists has done much to clear the atmosphere. Whereas in the old days a person would say: 'Let's get the heck out of here!' today she says: 'Let's get the heck out of here! I've got claustrophobia.

There is no doubt that every healthy, normal boy...should own a dog at some time in his life, preferably between the ages of forty-five and fifty.

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books