One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out.

A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the conductor says, and the father says, 'He's four years old.' 'He looks at least twelve to me,' says the conductor. And the father says, 'Can I help it if he worries?

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

What is to be done with people who can't read a Sunday paper without messing it all up?... Show me a Sunday paper which has been left in a condition fit only for kite flying, and I will show you an antisocial and dangerous character who has left it that way.

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.