The difference between education and know-how is that one you pay for, the other you charge for.

One thing you learn in a long marriage is how many sneezes to wait before saying, "Bless you.

To stretch the truth is to tell a lie.

Seems like nothing ever brings you back to reality that makes you want to stay there.

Through sources, we have obtained the following alien assessment of the human species: The male wants to be valued for what he pretends to be. The female wants to be overvalued for what she truly is.

Whoever dreamed up Scrabble had an exaggerated idea of how many 7-letter words have five i's.

I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.