People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.

Women have so many levels. There's the physical level, which is a lot of fun. There's this emotional level, which is extremely mercurial.

Here's the best birth control in the whole world, if you really, if you have no pills, if you have no diaphragm, if you have no other form of contraception. Use it for ladies, if he comes at you with that little thing in his hand, just laugh at it. They can't deal with it, OK, it'll be gone.

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

I'm an Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It's like same religion, half the guilt.

If I ever asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked a woman and been totally vulnerable.