You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.

Crying never helped anybody do anything, okay? You have a problem, you face it like a man.

Improv. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.

I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, "My boy's got learnin'!"

Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.

It's been a tough year. . . Someone said I should send out Buddhist thank-you cards since Buddhists believe that anything that challenges you makes you pull yourself together.

Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don't want to go to school anymore.