After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard.

When I find out a hotel doesn't have a DSL, it's like "What? There's no toilet?" Once you get used to high speed you ain't going back

I did an event in Washington, and it was like we lifted a sea.Immediately after [9/11], there was a stunned shock - kind of this feeling of "What do we do now?" I started performing, and there was a catharsis in the laughing. People started to be able to laugh again. Laughter can be many things - sometimes a medicine, sometimes a weapon, depending on.

Cable is not bound because people pay for it. It's literally a choice, that's the operative word. If you don't like the language, if cocksucker offends you, then turn it off.

If I ever asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked a woman and been totally vulnerable.

Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.