After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.

To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."

Don't mess with me, man, I'm a lawyer!

My preference is live performance. Because you get the feedback. There's an energy. It's live theater. That's why I think actors like that. You know, musicians need it, comedians definitely need it. It doesn't matter what size and what club, whether it's 30 people in the club or 2,000 in a hall or a theater. It's live, it's symbiotic, you need it.

Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.