After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

My comedy is like emotional hang-gliding.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Comedy pays the bills if I can't find a film.

What's my credibility? Why are they looking to me for advice? Isn't there someone more qualified?

The first time I ate organic whole-grain bread I swear it tasted like roofing material.

Even when I did my Broadway show, I did 15 minutes no one had seen before, because that was the night that Michael Jackson protested about Al Sharpton bailing on him. I said, "Wow, if that man bails on you, this must be really a lost cause."