After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.

Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs

The entire world will be in nuclear war, and only the Swiss will be going, 'what's that noise?'

Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.

People say that I'm a tree hugger, but I do a lot more than hug trees. I like having my drinking water without faecal matter, that's really nice. Or acceptable levels of strychnine. I'm an air breather, I've gotten used to that over the years.