I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, "My boy's got learnin'!"

You look at the world and see how scary it can be sometimes and still try to deal with the fear. Comedy can deal with the fear and still not paralyze you or tell you that it's going away. You say, OK, you got certain choices here, you can laugh at them and then once you've laughed at them and you have expunged the demon, now you can deal with them. That's what I do when I do my act.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

Ballet: men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

I used food to make myself feel better, but I felt worse when I ate.

It doesn't matter who you are, if you've got the legs, you can hang with them.

There are no rules. Just follow your heart.