I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, "My boy's got learnin'!"

The things we fear the most have already happened to us.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

Clouds are like boogers hanging on the nostrils of the moon.

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.