My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive - the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled.

I have no desire to go anywhere near drugs. People say, "Aren't you tempted?" No, because of the ridiculousness of it.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Clouds are like boogers hanging on the nostrils of the moon.

My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes