Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.

I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.

If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?"

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

It doesn't matter who you are, if you've got the legs, you can hang with them.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.