I had one or two steady girlfriends in high school, but then in college, it was three, four... I went crazy. At one point I had three separate girlfriends, running around mad.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.

Honey, you [Michael Jackson] gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord of the Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species.

You can start any 'Monty Python' routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.