If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Honey, you [Michael Jackson] gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord of the Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species.

Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!

One day [when I relapsed] I walked into a store and saw a little bottle of Jack Daniel's. And then that voice - I call it the 'lower power' - goes, 'Hey. Just a taste. Just one.' I drank it, and there was that brief moment of 'Oh, I'm okay!' But it escalated so quickly. Within a week I was buying so many bottles I sounded like a wind chime walking down the street.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.

The entire world will be in nuclear war, and only the Swiss will be going, 'what's that noise?'