I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs

Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.

Along with the Oscars, the Academy is giving out a green card.

Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.