You have an internal critic, an internal drive that says, 'OK, you can do more.' Maybe that's what keeps you going.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'

Jamie Kilstein is amazing and I will be spreading the word. He has the spark that energized my conscience. We need more comedians kicking it hard the way he does every night

Cable is not bound because people pay for it. It's literally a choice, that's the operative word. If you don't like the language, if cocksucker offends you, then turn it off.

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.