I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.

I only ever play Vegas one night at a time.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting.

In California, we are a sixty percent Hispanic state, we elected an Austrian governor. Even old Nazis are going "That's weird."

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.