Honey, you [Michael Jackson] gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord of the Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species.

If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material