The only weapon we have is comedy.

2020. There'll be cold fusion. We'll actually be able to power our cars with our own feces. That's right. The emissions problem will be a little intense, but just light a match.

A lot of celebrities golf because they want to be away. For them it's a chance to get away and be peaceful. For me it's peaceful to ride [cycling].

My preference is live performance. Because you get the feedback. There's an energy. It's live theater. That's why I think actors like that. You know, musicians need it, comedians definitely need it. It doesn't matter what size and what club, whether it's 30 people in the club or 2,000 in a hall or a theater. It's live, it's symbiotic, you need it.

There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.

Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?