Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.

The only weapon we have is comedy.

If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?"

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

In truth I never really liked any of the heavy drugs, because normally my energy is up when I'm performing, and that's about it. Cocaine is nothing new. It's the pressure, I think. People use it to relieve that, and for me it is about getting numb and forgetting. I have a reverse metabolic reaction to the stuff.

Along with the Oscars, the Academy is giving out a green card.