Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

Improv. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.

Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don't want to go to school anymore.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

I thought I was fooling people. But it's the old thing of 'they say vodka doesn't smell'. No, not until you sweat. And you just lie and lie and you think 'I can deal with this'. And then you finally go, 'No you can't'. And then you give up.

I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.