I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'

People would say I never censor. As Billy Crystal says, 'I don't have that button.'