Jamie Kilstein is amazing and I will be spreading the word. He has the spark that energized my conscience. We need more comedians kicking it hard the way he does every night

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?"

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

You know what music is - a harmonic connection between all living beings.