I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.

I never performed on drugs. That'd be stupid. It's the same thing with athletes. They can't perform when they have cocaine problems.

It's cheaper to keep her.

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

What's true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

I feel like I'm a big human snot.