If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

I had to stop drinking alcohol, because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass.

You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least Miss Right Now

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'

All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.

I have no desire to go anywhere near drugs. People say, "Aren't you tempted?" No, because of the ridiculousness of it.