Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, 'Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.'

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

The things we fear the most have already happened to us.

No man is an island; but some are peninsulas.