Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, 'Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.'

I think it's great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.

When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.

Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs

The French don't have a baseball team. And if they did, there'd only be a left field, and no one would be safe.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.