Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, 'Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.'

Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums

What some folks call impossible is just stuff they haven't seen before.

Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.

Humor is a great defense, and an offense too. Usually the recipient isn't too happy about it, but the people around are laughing.

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

I always wanted to play a big, black man, but that would cost too much make-up.