Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.

Comedy pays the bills if I can't find a film.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

There's a world out there. Open a window, and it's there.

Jamie Kilstein is amazing and I will be spreading the word. He has the spark that energized my conscience. We need more comedians kicking it hard the way he does every night

Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.