We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

It's cheaper to keep her.

I'm an Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It's like same religion, half the guilt.

The truth is, if anything, I'm probably addicted to laughter.

Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums

I only ever play Vegas one night at a time.

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.