Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material

If you don't keep pushing the limits, you wake up one day and you're the "center square to block."

I'm fascinated by the new iPhone. I bought it and kept trying to use it in France. "Siri, what is a good restaurant?" (In a robotic voice.) "I'm sorry, Robin. I can't give locations in France." "Why, Siri?" "I don't know." It's like she was upset with the French or something. "They seem to have an attitude I can't understand. Should I look for Germans, Robin?"

It's the same sex all the time.

The great thing about marriage is the idea of really getting to know someone. And really getting to know a woman is a life long task.

When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.