Cable is not bound because people pay for it. It's literally a choice, that's the operative word. If you don't like the language, if cocksucker offends you, then turn it off.

You appreciate little things, like walks on the beach with a defibrillator.

My childhood was lonely. Both my parents were away a lot, working, and the maid basically raised me. And I think that's where a lot of my comedy comes from. Not only was the maid very funny and witty, but when my mother came home I'd use humour to try and get her attention. If I made mommy laugh, then maybe everything would be all right. I think that's where it [my comedy] all started.

You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

If you don't keep pushing the limits, you wake up one day and you're the "center square to block."

Ronald Reagan is the world's largest Muppet.