I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

I just want to do movies, and I want to sell them. I don't want to link up with some product.

The first time I ate organic whole-grain bread I swear it tasted like roofing material.

To be free. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world.

Comedy is there to basically show us we fart, we laugh, to make us realize we still are part animal.

I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.

Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.