The biggest piece of advice that I give young comedians is: If it's your goal to get where I'm at, go do something else. Because you'll never get here. Never. The odds are so bad. Because not only do you have to be a really, really strong comedian but you also have to be lucky. And most people don't get that combination.

I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the Sunglass Hut. Here's the question: Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color television set? I go to the Sunglass Hut. I see a pair that I like. I don't love them. I don't. I like 'em. $309.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.