My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

There are a million really good cigars, you gotta really float around cigars. It's not like being locked into a brand of cigarettes; at least to me it's not.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

I don't do any corporate work.