My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

Apparently I ain't the only cat on the block digs cheetos.

I only like the live audience. I don't even like to do standup where it's being filmed. Because it affects the way the audience responds to what you say, because it makes them uncomfortable. You have to perform in a light room, and I prefer a dark room. But I love to perform, and I don't really see myself doing any television at all.

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

You can't fix stupid.