I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.

If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.