I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the Sunglass Hut. Here's the question: Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color television set? I go to the Sunglass Hut. I see a pair that I like. I don't love them. I don't. I like 'em. $309.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

Apparently I ain't the only cat on the block digs cheetos.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.