I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

You can't fix stupid.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!