I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

There are a million really good cigars, you gotta really float around cigars. It's not like being locked into a brand of cigarettes; at least to me it's not.

You can't fix stupid.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

I did have a deal for a little while a cigar company that never really materialized that much, except that I ended up with 100 boxes of my own cigars with my signature on them. Which is great, they are wonderful cigars but they never really fulfilled out so now I'm out of it. I can sign up with somebody else or go pick a blend or whatever. I probably will, there is no sense in not doing it.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.