You can't fix stupid.

You can't fix stupid.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the Sunglass Hut. Here's the question: Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color television set? I go to the Sunglass Hut. I see a pair that I like. I don't love them. I don't. I like 'em. $309.

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.