There are a million really good cigars, you gotta really float around cigars. It's not like being locked into a brand of cigarettes; at least to me it's not.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

You can't fix stupid.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

I don't even plan things until later, so no I got no plans.