When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

In my Comedy Club sets, I just work on what is fresh and try to build that show as long as I can. I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.