Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

I don't even plan things until later, so no I got no plans.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

In my Comedy Club sets, I just work on what is fresh and try to build that show as long as I can. I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I only like the live audience. I don't even like to do standup where it's being filmed. Because it affects the way the audience responds to what you say, because it makes them uncomfortable. You have to perform in a light room, and I prefer a dark room. But I love to perform, and I don't really see myself doing any television at all.