Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the Sunglass Hut. Here's the question: Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color television set? I go to the Sunglass Hut. I see a pair that I like. I don't love them. I don't. I like 'em. $309.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.