Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.