From the very beginning I started with a beer and a cigarette because I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands. So usually I have a beer and cigarette and that's what I was doing with my hands because that looked natural and felt good.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

You can't fix stupid.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.