In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

There are a million really good cigars, you gotta really float around cigars. It's not like being locked into a brand of cigarettes; at least to me it's not.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.

If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.

It's something that's really fun to do. It's a family business.