I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

You can't fix stupid.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.