I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.

Apparently I ain't the only cat on the block digs cheetos.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

I'm a comedian, and I like to work on my live show, and if I'm doing television, I don't have time to work on my live show, and I can become a lame comic, and that sucks.

I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.