I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

There are a million really good cigars, you gotta really float around cigars. It's not like being locked into a brand of cigarettes; at least to me it's not.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.