I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

You can't fix stupid.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

There are a million really good cigars, you gotta really float around cigars. It's not like being locked into a brand of cigarettes; at least to me it's not.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.

I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the Sunglass Hut. Here's the question: Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color television set? I go to the Sunglass Hut. I see a pair that I like. I don't love them. I don't. I like 'em. $309.