If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

The biggest piece of advice that I give young comedians is: If it's your goal to get where I'm at, go do something else. Because you'll never get here. Never. The odds are so bad. Because not only do you have to be a really, really strong comedian but you also have to be lucky. And most people don't get that combination.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.