If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

In my Comedy Club sets, I just work on what is fresh and try to build that show as long as I can. I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.