There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

There are a million really good cigars, you gotta really float around cigars. It's not like being locked into a brand of cigarettes; at least to me it's not.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.