I only like the live audience. I don't even like to do standup where it's being filmed. Because it affects the way the audience responds to what you say, because it makes them uncomfortable. You have to perform in a light room, and I prefer a dark room. But I love to perform, and I don't really see myself doing any television at all.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

You can't fix stupid.

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.

We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!