I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

Where there's a will there's a dead person.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?