I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."

One question on hospital admittance forms really gets me. "Sex: Male or Female?" Do I want to be in a hospital where they can't tell the difference?

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?