I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?